Nashville

After a long hiatus from the blogging life I am BACK! I finally can make an exciting announcement about my plans for life after Cleveland because things are officially nailed down. :-) I am moving to Nashville in a little over a week with my fabulous friend Lauren. We have signed the lease on a cute duplex loft apt. that is actually the 2nd story of a house. It has 2 bedrooms, a large living room, kitchen, laundry room (washer and dryer included), fridge and a nook (I think I just like saying that word)! It is in East Nashville but in a less sketch area for anyone who knows Nashville...It is close to downtown, my new Starbucks (in Madison) and not too far from the Paul Mitchell school in Antioch that I will be starting at in October (if all goes as planned). I am so excited! Come visit me? :-)

Also, I am heading to the west coast May 29th-June 9th to be in my friend Jeannie's wedding (June 6th). I am looking forward to some beach, in-n-out, sushi, mexican food, family seeing, and of course hanging out with one of my bestest friends! I have not been to California in going on 2 years and I am super pumped!

I will be back in Nashville on the 9th and starting work at my new store shortly after that...I am going to be working on some writing samples as well. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I can find some freelance work in my new city...

Change is coming and I am so ready!

Being an adult is so much fun ;-)

The last week has been a little bit rough to say the least. On Thursday evening my cute little altima broke down on I-75 South near Ooltewah. I was crusing along as normal when suddenly all of my lights came on (engine, oil, brake), my steering started locking up, I couldn't accelerate and my engine started making a terrible noise! I had to get it towed back to Cleveland and the mechanic thinks it needs a new engine. Let me just cough up that couple extra thousand dollars I have underneath my bed. ;-) It may end up being a better idea to just buy another car and sell my car for the parts. It is eleven years old and I have already put a lot of repair work into it...I may end up buying Aubrey's car in a couple months, but until that day it looks like life is going to involve me sharing a car with my two brothers.

This all may sound like a lot of whining and complaining but I am honestly quite grateful. I am thankful that I now work in Cleveland and could walk to work if I have to (this would have been a terrible thing to have happen if I was still driving to Chattanooga). I am also blessed to have access to another car sometimes. I guess it's just frustrating that this happened a few months before I am planning to move somewhere else where I definitely will need a car. I have some money saved but I was hoping to use that towards the move and not a car payment. Anyways, hopefully things will work out and I will stop stressing! I miss my little coche!

Can I have this dance with you for the rest of my life?

Currently I am sitting alone in my cozy little apartment on this snowy (gasp!) January afternoon pondering life, love and other mysteries. Erick Baker and Phillip LaRue are on the playlist and I am trying to get some thoughts out on this "page" that have been running around in my brain the last couple days.

I am thinking about the concept of dancing and what it involves. According to the definition of the word dancing can be many different things or ideas; it can be a series of motions and steps, involve leaping or skipping about excitedly and it also can bring an individual to a particular state or condition. Thinking about the latter component of the idea what state is brought about when one dances? Well when I dance at least usually joy, happiness, freedom and a carefree state of mind are brought about. It doesn't matter if I'm engaged in some sweet and mushy slow dance with a current boyfriend or engaged in a joyous dance circle with a group of girlfriends...Okay actually there is a difference. Both experiences bring about complete abandonment and lack of concern about the fears, hurts and bitterness that this world and many of the people in it can provide. There is a crucial difference however; dancing with a lover is quite different than dancing with friends for a variety of reasons...First of all there is that feeling of utter closeness with another person that rarely comes across in other experiences.

In a slow couple dance there is mostly tender appreciation for the other person involved. It really is not a selfish act. It is simply holding someone closely, gazing into their eyes and feeling every beat of their heart. You don't exactly get that in a girl dance party (not that I don't utterly enjoy such experiences, don't get me wrong)! Listening to the lyrics to an Eric Baker song today "Can I have this dance with you for the rest of my life?" I started thinking about how I want the rest of my life to be a dance. I want my relationship with my God to be joyous, without fear and completely like dancing with someone that I am utterly and completely in love with. I want to get so swept up and abanoned in this dance that I am quick to forgive, eager to abandon the hurts I've endured and ready to love and be open to new and exciting happenings in my life without fear. I want to know that I am not alone. Oh Lord, can I have this dance with you for the rest of my life?

*This post was written to the sounds of Erick Baker and Phillip LaRue...for more check out
www.myspace.com/philliplarue
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=182328459

My Christmas Wish...

So I've been thinking a lot the last few days...What has been filling my head of late? The concept of love has been on my mind in recent days; both how much of it I currently have and how much more I long for. I suppose it is this magical time of the year when it is freezing and dreary that makes one especially long for someone to cuddle up with in front of the Christmas tree; someone to sleep in with on those few and far between lazy Saturday mornings.

Yes, I have been given an amazing family and very dear friends. Yes, I am very loved both by people and by my God. Despite this truth and knowledge there still is an emptiness from time to time deep within my being; the longing is quite strong (in both my mind and heart) to be in relationship with the man that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I can not wait to be with someone who loves me for me, encourages me in my relationship with God and forgives me of my past sins. I want this man to know that I have blown it a lot with previous guys but that I am currently striving to keep myself as much for him as I can. I do have a desire for physical affection and love which has at times lead me down dangerous paths. My once trusting and vunerable heart has grown cynical and filled with wounds covered in scabs. How I long to be able to be genuine and reveal my true self to another human soul again...

This is my Christmas wish (I guess wishes would be a more accurate description):
-to be honest with myself and others
-to run after God above all others
-to keep myself as much as possible for my future husband...both physically, mentally and emotionally
-to not break someone else's heart (or my own for that matter)

Merry Christmas!

I am grateful

December greetings to all of my beautiful friends. You keep me sane and love me much more than I deserve. I am truly grateful for you...Lately I have become increasingly aware of this litle tendency of mine to focus on the negative, to complain, to not be content and to not be grateful for that which I have been given. I feel that my feeling judgemental personality is partly to blame but that is seriously no excuse for me to wallow in self sorrow.

Lately conviction has started to kick in big time about just how much I take for granted...Here is a little list of thing I am thankful for that I started to compose:

1) I have been given amazing friends who encourage me and support me in my dreams and non-traditional way of going about things.
2) I have been placed into a family that loves and supports me despite our differences.
3) I have a job that pays my bills, allows me to save money and provides excellent health insurance.
4) I have a car that runs well and does not break down.
5) I have a lovely little cheap apartment that I share with my fabulous brothers.
6) I have people to call when I have a bad day or the world seems to be closing in.
7) I did not have to take out any loans for my undergrad degrees (which frees me up to be able to go to hair school next fall like I want to).
8) I have been given the gift of salvation from a God who loves me and sees me as beautiful and worthy of love (despite how unworthy I am).
9) I have the ability to pursue different options in my life (moving different places, starting hair school, having friends who want to live with me)...Contrary to how I sometimes feel, I am NOT stuck and stagnant! I really have very many different opportunities that have been given to me.
10) I am surrounded by good books, yummy food and fabulous conversation. Just last night my brother Aaron and I were up until 2:30 a.m. watching different sermons online and discussing them. I am so grateful to be surrounded by encouraging folks who spur me on to recapture the love I once had for my God. On that note check out this link to a very good talk we watched last night:
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess/his-garden

So to sum it up, thank you for taking the time to read this rambling list of a thankful heart. If you have been a part of my life I am very grateful to you. Thank you for taking the time to love this imperfect and selfish girl. I am amazed that you care for me. I am truly not deserving. Thank you!

my new life

It is amusing how one can be ready for change for what seems like years and then when it does take place life seems bizarre and unfamiliar (not to say that is a bad thing). One forgets what it feels like to start over from the beginning. When I moved to Cleveland a little over a month ago I was so ready to get out of Knoxville but now I actually miss it at times. I miss sushi dates with Megan, Allen, and Morgan. I miss Chic-fil-a runs and movie nights with Laura and Danielle. I miss taking classes and having my future life ahead seem to explode with new ideas and hopes. There is still a lot of hope in me for the future but I feel like I lack the freshness I did as a junior in college when I had my first boyfriend, was "in love" and honestly a bit naive. I really do not feel like I have regrets about how my life is now. I am growing up and learning to be more of an adult (and keeping a healthy dose of child-like behavior around as well) which is a good thing.

It is funny because in a sense I am much more independent than in the past and yet this urge to find someone to settle down with and spend the rest of my life with has begun to kick in; maybe it is all those engagement/wedding announcements that keep crowding up my mailbox nowadays. ;-) It seems to be more than that though. Despite all my independence, feminist perspective and my thinking that "I don't need a man", maybe I do after all...I find myself craving someone who is my best friend, intelligent, funny, adventurous, spiritual, etc. Of course being madly in love with him would help too (yes I am a hopeless romantic despite my cynical exterior thank you very much).

All this to say is that lately I have struggling with loneliness a lot. I am grateful to be getting a lot of hours at work to fill up a lot of my time. It is definitely different living here in Cleveland. I miss hanging out with someone most nights of the week (I get really excited to have people over now or go out to do something). All this alone time has allowed me to focus on what needs to change in me. First of all my tendency to be judgemental and to not understand people who are different from me (seems God has been trying to slam me over the head with that this week). Secondly, I am much more of an angry person than I thought; I have realized this on most of my drives to and from work (why do people drive like utter maniacs here?!). Thirdly, the tendency to be very ME focused...Do people like me? Why has it been so long since I have been on a date with a decent guy? Why do I have to work so hard for what I want in life? Why don't I have more money?

I truly long to be not focused on the me issues of life so much. Instead I long to lend my time and funds to help the poor and needy...to be a true friend, sister and child of God. I want the me things to be the last that come to mind...for the needs of others to be constantly in my thoughts. I want to take action and not just talk about social justices that need to happen.

In conclusion, life is different, new, exciting and a little bit scary but I am so glad to be right where I am today. I am truly blessed and constantly amazed at how much I am loved.

Change is so needed

This blog is slightly reminiscent of the last one. One could find them to be distant cousins or something of the sort I am sure. I suppose I shall start off by discussing what is new and exciting in my world.

After things went South (no pun intended) with my planned move to California I found myself having an early 20's life crisis. I began to feel trapped having lived in the same city for 5 years, finding myself still working at the same job I had in undergrad (working at the beloved Bux) and watching many of my dear friends began to move away...In other words, I began to feel very trapped in a rut. Since graduating in 2007 with degrees in both English Literature and Psychology I have made the decision that I want to go back to school. I desperately want to cut hair for a living. I love reading, books and writing but I feel like going to grad school would be forcing a not me decision. I am kind of a nerd in a sense but never have felt the desire for years more of schooling. A couple of years ago I decided against becoming a teacher (which is pretty much what I thought I would do for years). I also changed my mind about going to grad school for Psychology.

I have always felt like I needed to do something out of the typical 9-5 job. Something that would allow me to be creative. Something that would be an outlet for my social/quirky personality. Cutting hair combines so many things that I enjoy and am passionate about. It is very people oriented, creativity requiring, demanding, competitive, social and lastly I think it will be fun! Imagine that in a career! ;-) It also will pay the bills and allow me to write and pursue other hobbies (photography, cooking, taking more spanish classes and playing music).

Since the whole Cali thing fell through I have been trying to figure out what the next step is. I really want to start school as soon as possible but I also want to take out loans for as little as possible and to have some money saved up for living expenses. I am good at paying bills, having enough money for expenses, etc. but I tend to suck at saving money. I pondered moving to Nashville but didn't really have enough funds so that idea quickly fell through as well.

My life felt like a conundrum until I had the sudden realization of what I should do. I decided to move to Cleveland, TN (near Chattanooga) until May at least and live with my brothers, transfer to another Starbucks and save some money. It is amazing how much my living expenses have already gone down since I moved here less than a week ago. The only thing that will cost more is the amount of money that I spend on gas (since I now have to drive 30 min. to work). Other than that things will be much better. My rent is cut in half and I have 2 less bills! Woohoo! :-)

So that is what I decided to do with my life (until the summer months at least)...More updates and exciting happenings to follow.

X's and O's.