It is amusing how one can be ready for change for what seems like years and then when it does take place life seems bizarre and unfamiliar (not to say that is a bad thing). One forgets what it feels like to start over from the beginning. When I moved to Cleveland a little over a month ago I was so ready to get out of Knoxville but now I actually miss it at times. I miss sushi dates with Megan, Allen, and Morgan. I miss Chic-fil-a runs and movie nights with Laura and Danielle. I miss taking classes and having my future life ahead seem to explode with new ideas and hopes. There is still a lot of hope in me for the future but I feel like I lack the freshness I did as a junior in college when I had my first boyfriend, was "in love" and honestly a bit naive. I really do not feel like I have regrets about how my life is now. I am growing up and learning to be more of an adult (and keeping a healthy dose of child-like behavior around as well) which is a good thing.
It is funny because in a sense I am much more independent than in the past and yet this urge to find someone to settle down with and spend the rest of my life with has begun to kick in; maybe it is all those engagement/wedding announcements that keep crowding up my mailbox nowadays. ;-) It seems to be more than that though. Despite all my independence, feminist perspective and my thinking that "I don't need a man", maybe I do after all...I find myself craving someone who is my best friend, intelligent, funny, adventurous, spiritual, etc. Of course being madly in love with him would help too (yes I am a hopeless romantic despite my cynical exterior thank you very much).
All this to say is that lately I have struggling with loneliness a lot. I am grateful to be getting a lot of hours at work to fill up a lot of my time. It is definitely different living here in Cleveland. I miss hanging out with someone most nights of the week (I get really excited to have people over now or go out to do something). All this alone time has allowed me to focus on what needs to change in me. First of all my tendency to be judgemental and to not understand people who are different from me (seems God has been trying to slam me over the head with that this week). Secondly, I am much more of an angry person than I thought; I have realized this on most of my drives to and from work (why do people drive like utter maniacs here?!). Thirdly, the tendency to be very ME focused...Do people like me? Why has it been so long since I have been on a date with a decent guy? Why do I have to work so hard for what I want in life? Why don't I have more money?
I truly long to be not focused on the me issues of life so much. Instead I long to lend my time and funds to help the poor and needy...to be a true friend, sister and child of God. I want the me things to be the last that come to mind...for the needs of others to be constantly in my thoughts. I want to take action and not just talk about social justices that need to happen.
In conclusion, life is different, new, exciting and a little bit scary but I am so glad to be right where I am today. I am truly blessed and constantly amazed at how much I am loved.
