So I've been thinking a lot the last few days...What has been filling my head of late? The concept of love has been on my mind in recent days; both how much of it I currently have and how much more I long for. I suppose it is this magical time of the year when it is freezing and dreary that makes one especially long for someone to cuddle up with in front of the Christmas tree; someone to sleep in with on those few and far between lazy Saturday mornings.
Yes, I have been given an amazing family and very dear friends. Yes, I am very loved both by people and by my God. Despite this truth and knowledge there still is an emptiness from time to time deep within my being; the longing is quite strong (in both my mind and heart) to be in relationship with the man that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I can not wait to be with someone who loves me for me, encourages me in my relationship with God and forgives me of my past sins. I want this man to know that I have blown it a lot with previous guys but that I am currently striving to keep myself as much for him as I can. I do have a desire for physical affection and love which has at times lead me down dangerous paths. My once trusting and vunerable heart has grown cynical and filled with wounds covered in scabs. How I long to be able to be genuine and reveal my true self to another human soul again...
This is my Christmas wish (I guess wishes would be a more accurate description):
-to be honest with myself and others
-to run after God above all others
-to keep myself as much as possible for my future husband...both physically, mentally and emotionally
-to not break someone else's heart (or my own for that matter)
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
I am grateful
December greetings to all of my beautiful friends. You keep me sane and love me much more than I deserve. I am truly grateful for you...Lately I have become increasingly aware of this litle tendency of mine to focus on the negative, to complain, to not be content and to not be grateful for that which I have been given. I feel that my feeling judgemental personality is partly to blame but that is seriously no excuse for me to wallow in self sorrow.
Lately conviction has started to kick in big time about just how much I take for granted...Here is a little list of thing I am thankful for that I started to compose:
1) I have been given amazing friends who encourage me and support me in my dreams and non-traditional way of going about things.
2) I have been placed into a family that loves and supports me despite our differences.
3) I have a job that pays my bills, allows me to save money and provides excellent health insurance.
4) I have a car that runs well and does not break down.
5) I have a lovely little cheap apartment that I share with my fabulous brothers.
6) I have people to call when I have a bad day or the world seems to be closing in.
7) I did not have to take out any loans for my undergrad degrees (which frees me up to be able to go to hair school next fall like I want to).
8) I have been given the gift of salvation from a God who loves me and sees me as beautiful and worthy of love (despite how unworthy I am).
9) I have the ability to pursue different options in my life (moving different places, starting hair school, having friends who want to live with me)...Contrary to how I sometimes feel, I am NOT stuck and stagnant! I really have very many different opportunities that have been given to me.
10) I am surrounded by good books, yummy food and fabulous conversation. Just last night my brother Aaron and I were up until 2:30 a.m. watching different sermons online and discussing them. I am so grateful to be surrounded by encouraging folks who spur me on to recapture the love I once had for my God. On that note check out this link to a very good talk we watched last night:
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess/his-garden
So to sum it up, thank you for taking the time to read this rambling list of a thankful heart. If you have been a part of my life I am very grateful to you. Thank you for taking the time to love this imperfect and selfish girl. I am amazed that you care for me. I am truly not deserving. Thank you!
Lately conviction has started to kick in big time about just how much I take for granted...Here is a little list of thing I am thankful for that I started to compose:
1) I have been given amazing friends who encourage me and support me in my dreams and non-traditional way of going about things.
2) I have been placed into a family that loves and supports me despite our differences.
3) I have a job that pays my bills, allows me to save money and provides excellent health insurance.
4) I have a car that runs well and does not break down.
5) I have a lovely little cheap apartment that I share with my fabulous brothers.
6) I have people to call when I have a bad day or the world seems to be closing in.
7) I did not have to take out any loans for my undergrad degrees (which frees me up to be able to go to hair school next fall like I want to).
8) I have been given the gift of salvation from a God who loves me and sees me as beautiful and worthy of love (despite how unworthy I am).
9) I have the ability to pursue different options in my life (moving different places, starting hair school, having friends who want to live with me)...Contrary to how I sometimes feel, I am NOT stuck and stagnant! I really have very many different opportunities that have been given to me.
10) I am surrounded by good books, yummy food and fabulous conversation. Just last night my brother Aaron and I were up until 2:30 a.m. watching different sermons online and discussing them. I am so grateful to be surrounded by encouraging folks who spur me on to recapture the love I once had for my God. On that note check out this link to a very good talk we watched last night:
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess/his-garden
So to sum it up, thank you for taking the time to read this rambling list of a thankful heart. If you have been a part of my life I am very grateful to you. Thank you for taking the time to love this imperfect and selfish girl. I am amazed that you care for me. I am truly not deserving. Thank you!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
my new life
It is amusing how one can be ready for change for what seems like years and then when it does take place life seems bizarre and unfamiliar (not to say that is a bad thing). One forgets what it feels like to start over from the beginning. When I moved to Cleveland a little over a month ago I was so ready to get out of Knoxville but now I actually miss it at times. I miss sushi dates with Megan, Allen, and Morgan. I miss Chic-fil-a runs and movie nights with Laura and Danielle. I miss taking classes and having my future life ahead seem to explode with new ideas and hopes. There is still a lot of hope in me for the future but I feel like I lack the freshness I did as a junior in college when I had my first boyfriend, was "in love" and honestly a bit naive. I really do not feel like I have regrets about how my life is now. I am growing up and learning to be more of an adult (and keeping a healthy dose of child-like behavior around as well) which is a good thing.
It is funny because in a sense I am much more independent than in the past and yet this urge to find someone to settle down with and spend the rest of my life with has begun to kick in; maybe it is all those engagement/wedding announcements that keep crowding up my mailbox nowadays. ;-) It seems to be more than that though. Despite all my independence, feminist perspective and my thinking that "I don't need a man", maybe I do after all...I find myself craving someone who is my best friend, intelligent, funny, adventurous, spiritual, etc. Of course being madly in love with him would help too (yes I am a hopeless romantic despite my cynical exterior thank you very much).
All this to say is that lately I have struggling with loneliness a lot. I am grateful to be getting a lot of hours at work to fill up a lot of my time. It is definitely different living here in Cleveland. I miss hanging out with someone most nights of the week (I get really excited to have people over now or go out to do something). All this alone time has allowed me to focus on what needs to change in me. First of all my tendency to be judgemental and to not understand people who are different from me (seems God has been trying to slam me over the head with that this week). Secondly, I am much more of an angry person than I thought; I have realized this on most of my drives to and from work (why do people drive like utter maniacs here?!). Thirdly, the tendency to be very ME focused...Do people like me? Why has it been so long since I have been on a date with a decent guy? Why do I have to work so hard for what I want in life? Why don't I have more money?
I truly long to be not focused on the me issues of life so much. Instead I long to lend my time and funds to help the poor and needy...to be a true friend, sister and child of God. I want the me things to be the last that come to mind...for the needs of others to be constantly in my thoughts. I want to take action and not just talk about social justices that need to happen.
In conclusion, life is different, new, exciting and a little bit scary but I am so glad to be right where I am today. I am truly blessed and constantly amazed at how much I am loved.
It is funny because in a sense I am much more independent than in the past and yet this urge to find someone to settle down with and spend the rest of my life with has begun to kick in; maybe it is all those engagement/wedding announcements that keep crowding up my mailbox nowadays. ;-) It seems to be more than that though. Despite all my independence, feminist perspective and my thinking that "I don't need a man", maybe I do after all...I find myself craving someone who is my best friend, intelligent, funny, adventurous, spiritual, etc. Of course being madly in love with him would help too (yes I am a hopeless romantic despite my cynical exterior thank you very much).
All this to say is that lately I have struggling with loneliness a lot. I am grateful to be getting a lot of hours at work to fill up a lot of my time. It is definitely different living here in Cleveland. I miss hanging out with someone most nights of the week (I get really excited to have people over now or go out to do something). All this alone time has allowed me to focus on what needs to change in me. First of all my tendency to be judgemental and to not understand people who are different from me (seems God has been trying to slam me over the head with that this week). Secondly, I am much more of an angry person than I thought; I have realized this on most of my drives to and from work (why do people drive like utter maniacs here?!). Thirdly, the tendency to be very ME focused...Do people like me? Why has it been so long since I have been on a date with a decent guy? Why do I have to work so hard for what I want in life? Why don't I have more money?
I truly long to be not focused on the me issues of life so much. Instead I long to lend my time and funds to help the poor and needy...to be a true friend, sister and child of God. I want the me things to be the last that come to mind...for the needs of others to be constantly in my thoughts. I want to take action and not just talk about social justices that need to happen.
In conclusion, life is different, new, exciting and a little bit scary but I am so glad to be right where I am today. I am truly blessed and constantly amazed at how much I am loved.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Change is so needed
This blog is slightly reminiscent of the last one. One could find them to be distant cousins or something of the sort I am sure. I suppose I shall start off by discussing what is new and exciting in my world.
After things went South (no pun intended) with my planned move to California I found myself having an early 20's life crisis. I began to feel trapped having lived in the same city for 5 years, finding myself still working at the same job I had in undergrad (working at the beloved Bux) and watching many of my dear friends began to move away...In other words, I began to feel very trapped in a rut. Since graduating in 2007 with degrees in both English Literature and Psychology I have made the decision that I want to go back to school. I desperately want to cut hair for a living. I love reading, books and writing but I feel like going to grad school would be forcing a not me decision. I am kind of a nerd in a sense but never have felt the desire for years more of schooling. A couple of years ago I decided against becoming a teacher (which is pretty much what I thought I would do for years). I also changed my mind about going to grad school for Psychology.
I have always felt like I needed to do something out of the typical 9-5 job. Something that would allow me to be creative. Something that would be an outlet for my social/quirky personality. Cutting hair combines so many things that I enjoy and am passionate about. It is very people oriented, creativity requiring, demanding, competitive, social and lastly I think it will be fun! Imagine that in a career! ;-) It also will pay the bills and allow me to write and pursue other hobbies (photography, cooking, taking more spanish classes and playing music).
Since the whole Cali thing fell through I have been trying to figure out what the next step is. I really want to start school as soon as possible but I also want to take out loans for as little as possible and to have some money saved up for living expenses. I am good at paying bills, having enough money for expenses, etc. but I tend to suck at saving money. I pondered moving to Nashville but didn't really have enough funds so that idea quickly fell through as well.
My life felt like a conundrum until I had the sudden realization of what I should do. I decided to move to Cleveland, TN (near Chattanooga) until May at least and live with my brothers, transfer to another Starbucks and save some money. It is amazing how much my living expenses have already gone down since I moved here less than a week ago. The only thing that will cost more is the amount of money that I spend on gas (since I now have to drive 30 min. to work). Other than that things will be much better. My rent is cut in half and I have 2 less bills! Woohoo! :-)
So that is what I decided to do with my life (until the summer months at least)...More updates and exciting happenings to follow.
X's and O's.
After things went South (no pun intended) with my planned move to California I found myself having an early 20's life crisis. I began to feel trapped having lived in the same city for 5 years, finding myself still working at the same job I had in undergrad (working at the beloved Bux) and watching many of my dear friends began to move away...In other words, I began to feel very trapped in a rut. Since graduating in 2007 with degrees in both English Literature and Psychology I have made the decision that I want to go back to school. I desperately want to cut hair for a living. I love reading, books and writing but I feel like going to grad school would be forcing a not me decision. I am kind of a nerd in a sense but never have felt the desire for years more of schooling. A couple of years ago I decided against becoming a teacher (which is pretty much what I thought I would do for years). I also changed my mind about going to grad school for Psychology.
I have always felt like I needed to do something out of the typical 9-5 job. Something that would allow me to be creative. Something that would be an outlet for my social/quirky personality. Cutting hair combines so many things that I enjoy and am passionate about. It is very people oriented, creativity requiring, demanding, competitive, social and lastly I think it will be fun! Imagine that in a career! ;-) It also will pay the bills and allow me to write and pursue other hobbies (photography, cooking, taking more spanish classes and playing music).
Since the whole Cali thing fell through I have been trying to figure out what the next step is. I really want to start school as soon as possible but I also want to take out loans for as little as possible and to have some money saved up for living expenses. I am good at paying bills, having enough money for expenses, etc. but I tend to suck at saving money. I pondered moving to Nashville but didn't really have enough funds so that idea quickly fell through as well.
My life felt like a conundrum until I had the sudden realization of what I should do. I decided to move to Cleveland, TN (near Chattanooga) until May at least and live with my brothers, transfer to another Starbucks and save some money. It is amazing how much my living expenses have already gone down since I moved here less than a week ago. The only thing that will cost more is the amount of money that I spend on gas (since I now have to drive 30 min. to work). Other than that things will be much better. My rent is cut in half and I have 2 less bills! Woohoo! :-)
So that is what I decided to do with my life (until the summer months at least)...More updates and exciting happenings to follow.
X's and O's.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Fear and Loathing
Recently I have become inspired to create a new blog. Perhaps it is because the land of xanga has become rather extinct; maybe it is my tendency to be a copycat and pounce on the ideas of others...Whatever the purpose, reason, or inspiration I have been chomping at the bit these days. The need to write has started pulsing through my veins in a fashion quite similar to when I was the English major nerd attending The University of Tennessee (yes I do miss being in school).
The last few months have some of the most confusing, up to down and up again, trying and yet joyful months in my life. As most of you know I was planning on moving to Southern California about a month ago. The idea was to move out there, live with the grandparents for a year or so, work and attend cosmetology school. About two months ago I had the sudden realization that I could never do that (live with the grandparents that is). "What is the big deal Amanda?", "I could live anywhere for a few months if I was in California!" and "Are you sure?!" were the most common responses that I heard from well-meaning friends and family when I made vocal my decision to remain in the glorious state of Tennesee for a while longer...I had to consider their questions and several reasons popped into my mind for why I could not live with my well-meaning grandparents.
-Lack of independence and freedom: If I had gone through with my decision to live with Jack and Jo I would have had to give up a lot of what I have enjoyed over the last 5 years of my life: the ability to not be accountable to elders with my time, to make mistakes and learn from them, to go on hot dates, to have the political viewpoints that I currently posess and also to be charge of my own living environment.
-Pressure to conform to my grandparents religious ideologies and spiritual expression: My grandparents both profess to be Christians but we go about how we live our Christian lives quite differently. For my grandmother being a Christian means going to church, being afraid of rock music, not going dancing at a bar, not watching Oprah, being devoted to Benny Hinn and lastly watching more TBN than any one human should. For me it is more about caring for my friends and family, living a life of love where I follow the teachings of Jesus, putting other people above myself, being passionate, understanding how to be frugal and NOT living in fear (I honestly do not want to feel like I need to have a gun to feel safe and secure).
-Being surrounded by fear: I briefly touched open this in my last bullet but let me just say that I can not stand basing my decisions and priorites in life upon worries and anxieties that I may have as an imperfect and flawed individual. I love my grandmother very much but it drives me totally nuts that she is always sending me clippings for new findings about something that is hazardous to my health and that she refuses to drive on the freeways in California most of the time.
These are just a few of the reasons why I decided to postpone moving to one of my favorite areas of this country, Orange County California. I felt it was more important to be true to who I am and to be in a postitive living situation than to have the beach 15 minutes away, the ability to be surrounded by more like minded people, easily accesible in-n-out burger, drive thru-japanese restaurants, coffee shops that are not part of a chain and to have mountains where I could snowboard several days a week for much of the year at my fingertips...
I have given all of these dreams so that I can struggle and try to find my place in East Tennessee. Sounds pretty loco I know...So what are my future plans you ask? More of that to come...
The last few months have some of the most confusing, up to down and up again, trying and yet joyful months in my life. As most of you know I was planning on moving to Southern California about a month ago. The idea was to move out there, live with the grandparents for a year or so, work and attend cosmetology school. About two months ago I had the sudden realization that I could never do that (live with the grandparents that is). "What is the big deal Amanda?", "I could live anywhere for a few months if I was in California!" and "Are you sure?!" were the most common responses that I heard from well-meaning friends and family when I made vocal my decision to remain in the glorious state of Tennesee for a while longer...I had to consider their questions and several reasons popped into my mind for why I could not live with my well-meaning grandparents.
-Lack of independence and freedom: If I had gone through with my decision to live with Jack and Jo I would have had to give up a lot of what I have enjoyed over the last 5 years of my life: the ability to not be accountable to elders with my time, to make mistakes and learn from them, to go on hot dates, to have the political viewpoints that I currently posess and also to be charge of my own living environment.
-Pressure to conform to my grandparents religious ideologies and spiritual expression: My grandparents both profess to be Christians but we go about how we live our Christian lives quite differently. For my grandmother being a Christian means going to church, being afraid of rock music, not going dancing at a bar, not watching Oprah, being devoted to Benny Hinn and lastly watching more TBN than any one human should. For me it is more about caring for my friends and family, living a life of love where I follow the teachings of Jesus, putting other people above myself, being passionate, understanding how to be frugal and NOT living in fear (I honestly do not want to feel like I need to have a gun to feel safe and secure).
-Being surrounded by fear: I briefly touched open this in my last bullet but let me just say that I can not stand basing my decisions and priorites in life upon worries and anxieties that I may have as an imperfect and flawed individual. I love my grandmother very much but it drives me totally nuts that she is always sending me clippings for new findings about something that is hazardous to my health and that she refuses to drive on the freeways in California most of the time.
These are just a few of the reasons why I decided to postpone moving to one of my favorite areas of this country, Orange County California. I felt it was more important to be true to who I am and to be in a postitive living situation than to have the beach 15 minutes away, the ability to be surrounded by more like minded people, easily accesible in-n-out burger, drive thru-japanese restaurants, coffee shops that are not part of a chain and to have mountains where I could snowboard several days a week for much of the year at my fingertips...
I have given all of these dreams so that I can struggle and try to find my place in East Tennessee. Sounds pretty loco I know...So what are my future plans you ask? More of that to come...
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