Lately I have been on a crazy roller coaster ride emotionally. Sometimes it's easier to sweep things under the rug in life; I find it simpler to forget difficult times or not really deal with problems and pretend that they have gone away. In pretending that I am not affected by the past or bothered by it I really am never going to be where I need to be. Both with GOD and with other people...This is what I have been realizing the last couple days (thanks to some words from different friends).
In high school I really struggled with depression, self-loathing, loneliness, and suicidal thoughts. I don't feel like these are major issues today but I realize that I am still affected by some of these issues that I dealt with in the past. I seldom feel good enough, talented enough, pretty enough, smart enough, organized enough, liked enough, and the list could go on and on. Why do I feel inadequate? I suppose it is because at some point I believed the lie that I wasn't really worth anything and no one really gave a damn. It feels especially lame realizing this because I have a great family and wonderful friends but I am always second guessing myself...Always thinking that someone is better than me, holier than me, and if I really think about it more loved by God than I am. How ridiculous this train of thought is!!! It is almost like I am slapping my Creator in the face and saying, "Um sorry God but what you've made and done here isn't sufficient..." I'm not saying that I should feel guilty for having doubts and issues (I am after all human) but I think sweeping them under the rug and not really trying to move past them is insulting my Creator. It also means that I am not really opened up to loving others and being loved in the way that God intends. There is a wall in my heart that I am slowly trying to tear down. Would you pray that God speaks clearly to me in the coming days? I want Him to do a new things and (to quote the weepies) "turn me into somebody loved".
