So I've been thinking a lot the last few days...What has been filling my head of late? The concept of love has been on my mind in recent days; both how much of it I currently have and how much more I long for. I suppose it is this magical time of the year when it is freezing and dreary that makes one especially long for someone to cuddle up with in front of the Christmas tree; someone to sleep in with on those few and far between lazy Saturday mornings.
Yes, I have been given an amazing family and very dear friends. Yes, I am very loved both by people and by my God. Despite this truth and knowledge there still is an emptiness from time to time deep within my being; the longing is quite strong (in both my mind and heart) to be in relationship with the man that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I can not wait to be with someone who loves me for me, encourages me in my relationship with God and forgives me of my past sins. I want this man to know that I have blown it a lot with previous guys but that I am currently striving to keep myself as much for him as I can. I do have a desire for physical affection and love which has at times lead me down dangerous paths. My once trusting and vunerable heart has grown cynical and filled with wounds covered in scabs. How I long to be able to be genuine and reveal my true self to another human soul again...
This is my Christmas wish (I guess wishes would be a more accurate description):
-to be honest with myself and others
-to run after God above all others
-to keep myself as much as possible for my future husband...both physically, mentally and emotionally
-to not break someone else's heart (or my own for that matter)
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
I am grateful
December greetings to all of my beautiful friends. You keep me sane and love me much more than I deserve. I am truly grateful for you...Lately I have become increasingly aware of this litle tendency of mine to focus on the negative, to complain, to not be content and to not be grateful for that which I have been given. I feel that my feeling judgemental personality is partly to blame but that is seriously no excuse for me to wallow in self sorrow.
Lately conviction has started to kick in big time about just how much I take for granted...Here is a little list of thing I am thankful for that I started to compose:
1) I have been given amazing friends who encourage me and support me in my dreams and non-traditional way of going about things.
2) I have been placed into a family that loves and supports me despite our differences.
3) I have a job that pays my bills, allows me to save money and provides excellent health insurance.
4) I have a car that runs well and does not break down.
5) I have a lovely little cheap apartment that I share with my fabulous brothers.
6) I have people to call when I have a bad day or the world seems to be closing in.
7) I did not have to take out any loans for my undergrad degrees (which frees me up to be able to go to hair school next fall like I want to).
8) I have been given the gift of salvation from a God who loves me and sees me as beautiful and worthy of love (despite how unworthy I am).
9) I have the ability to pursue different options in my life (moving different places, starting hair school, having friends who want to live with me)...Contrary to how I sometimes feel, I am NOT stuck and stagnant! I really have very many different opportunities that have been given to me.
10) I am surrounded by good books, yummy food and fabulous conversation. Just last night my brother Aaron and I were up until 2:30 a.m. watching different sermons online and discussing them. I am so grateful to be surrounded by encouraging folks who spur me on to recapture the love I once had for my God. On that note check out this link to a very good talk we watched last night:
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess/his-garden
So to sum it up, thank you for taking the time to read this rambling list of a thankful heart. If you have been a part of my life I am very grateful to you. Thank you for taking the time to love this imperfect and selfish girl. I am amazed that you care for me. I am truly not deserving. Thank you!
Lately conviction has started to kick in big time about just how much I take for granted...Here is a little list of thing I am thankful for that I started to compose:
1) I have been given amazing friends who encourage me and support me in my dreams and non-traditional way of going about things.
2) I have been placed into a family that loves and supports me despite our differences.
3) I have a job that pays my bills, allows me to save money and provides excellent health insurance.
4) I have a car that runs well and does not break down.
5) I have a lovely little cheap apartment that I share with my fabulous brothers.
6) I have people to call when I have a bad day or the world seems to be closing in.
7) I did not have to take out any loans for my undergrad degrees (which frees me up to be able to go to hair school next fall like I want to).
8) I have been given the gift of salvation from a God who loves me and sees me as beautiful and worthy of love (despite how unworthy I am).
9) I have the ability to pursue different options in my life (moving different places, starting hair school, having friends who want to live with me)...Contrary to how I sometimes feel, I am NOT stuck and stagnant! I really have very many different opportunities that have been given to me.
10) I am surrounded by good books, yummy food and fabulous conversation. Just last night my brother Aaron and I were up until 2:30 a.m. watching different sermons online and discussing them. I am so grateful to be surrounded by encouraging folks who spur me on to recapture the love I once had for my God. On that note check out this link to a very good talk we watched last night:
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess/his-garden
So to sum it up, thank you for taking the time to read this rambling list of a thankful heart. If you have been a part of my life I am very grateful to you. Thank you for taking the time to love this imperfect and selfish girl. I am amazed that you care for me. I am truly not deserving. Thank you!
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