sometimes i wonder if this city is just a maze and i'm lost in it...

feeling things can can be difficult. Sometimes it's easier to plod along in a dull emotionless haze. Rushing from work to school to bed to work to school to work to bed again and again. Refusing to think about things for fear of being overwhelmed or having an emotional breakdown. Today was one of those days where I allowed myself to really feel. To realize how stressed, worn down, dull, lifeless, and lacking in zest for life I have been in the past few months. I almost feel guilty when I take moments to nap, sit on my porch, or write because I think I should be checking off my constant to do list. I can hardly focus when I sit on my patio and pray to my Creator because a constant string of things that need to happen is running thru my mind. Along with these thoughts are thoughts that I'm not doing enough whether it's in my job, school, or doing as well financially as I would like. Don't even get me started on the fact that almost every close friend is married, engaged, having children, or in a long term relationship! Sometimes I have to face these insecurities, doubts, and lack of doing/being enough. Today I did that and it wasn't pretty. Tears were streaming down my face as I drove home from work (on the phone with my mom). I realized that all I can do is focus on a few challenges at a time and surrender them to the Lord. Life is so busy right now (with my 60ish hr. weeks) and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and hang my head and give up. But I don't. I keep pressing on somehow; thru the 4am shifts, clients who freak out when I cut their hair exactly like they say, and living paycheck to paycheck I press on. Because I know that I was called to this. To Nashville (for now). To do hair. To live in community. To be weak. To not have it all together. And so I feel and I thank Him for these tears running down my cheeks.