rest

This evening I am back in Bristol. A place where I spent 12 years of my life (age 6-18) to be exact. I have not been here since Christmas of last year and returning makes me realize how splendid it feels to be HOME; even if only for a 24 hour snippet or so. I have missed the quiet country evenings away from the city lights, the cool mountain breezes and hearing merely the sounds of insects when leaning against a fragile porch railing sipping a glass of pinot grigio (chilled of course). I think really what I have missed is relaxing and listening. Hearing myself think and enjoying doing simple things like drinking tea with my mom (and watching "The Importance of Being Earnest"). I hope that when I drive back to Nashville I can take a bit of the serenity and peace with me. I pray that I can be the kind of person who works hard but knows how to stop and breathe the fresh mountain air; to appreciate my family and the dear friends in my life. To realize how much I have to be grateful for. That by simply waking up and taking a breath of city (or mountain) air I have been shown mercy and protection.

sometimes i wonder if this city is just a maze and i'm lost in it...

feeling things can can be difficult. Sometimes it's easier to plod along in a dull emotionless haze. Rushing from work to school to bed to work to school to work to bed again and again. Refusing to think about things for fear of being overwhelmed or having an emotional breakdown. Today was one of those days where I allowed myself to really feel. To realize how stressed, worn down, dull, lifeless, and lacking in zest for life I have been in the past few months. I almost feel guilty when I take moments to nap, sit on my porch, or write because I think I should be checking off my constant to do list. I can hardly focus when I sit on my patio and pray to my Creator because a constant string of things that need to happen is running thru my mind. Along with these thoughts are thoughts that I'm not doing enough whether it's in my job, school, or doing as well financially as I would like. Don't even get me started on the fact that almost every close friend is married, engaged, having children, or in a long term relationship! Sometimes I have to face these insecurities, doubts, and lack of doing/being enough. Today I did that and it wasn't pretty. Tears were streaming down my face as I drove home from work (on the phone with my mom). I realized that all I can do is focus on a few challenges at a time and surrender them to the Lord. Life is so busy right now (with my 60ish hr. weeks) and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and hang my head and give up. But I don't. I keep pressing on somehow; thru the 4am shifts, clients who freak out when I cut their hair exactly like they say, and living paycheck to paycheck I press on. Because I know that I was called to this. To Nashville (for now). To do hair. To live in community. To be weak. To not have it all together. And so I feel and I thank Him for these tears running down my cheeks.

all good things

Lately I have been on a crazy roller coaster ride emotionally. Sometimes it's easier to sweep things under the rug in life; I find it simpler to forget difficult times or not really deal with problems and pretend that they have gone away. In pretending that I am not affected by the past or bothered by it I really am never going to be where I need to be. Both with GOD and with other people...This is what I have been realizing the last couple days (thanks to some words from different friends).

In high school I really struggled with depression, self-loathing, loneliness, and suicidal thoughts. I don't feel like these are major issues today but I realize that I am still affected by some of these issues that I dealt with in the past. I seldom feel good enough, talented enough, pretty enough, smart enough, organized enough, liked enough, and the list could go on and on. Why do I feel inadequate? I suppose it is because at some point I believed the lie that I wasn't really worth anything and no one really gave a damn. It feels especially lame realizing this because I have a great family and wonderful friends but I am always second guessing myself...Always thinking that someone is better than me, holier than me, and if I really think about it more loved by God than I am. How ridiculous this train of thought is!!! It is almost like I am slapping my Creator in the face and saying, "Um sorry God but what you've made and done here isn't sufficient..." I'm not saying that I should feel guilty for having doubts and issues (I am after all human) but I think sweeping them under the rug and not really trying to move past them is insulting my Creator. It also means that I am not really opened up to loving others and being loved in the way that God intends. There is a wall in my heart that I am slowly trying to tear down. Would you pray that God speaks clearly to me in the coming days? I want Him to do a new things and (to quote the weepies) "turn me into somebody loved".

all smiles

The last week of life has been a bit of a blur. I am not really sure what the day of the week is, date or time. I keep having to look at my cell to remind me of these basic facts of life.

To summarize the last seven days, Tuesday of last week (exactly one week ago) I made the big leap of moving to Nashville. As many of you know this move has been a long time coming. I have probably been planning/saving money to do this for about 9 months now. The emotions I experienced driving down I-24 West last Tuesday can be described in three words: overwhelmed, excited and most of all a sensation that my world was about to become totally different. Brett (sister's boyfriend) helped me move all of my furniture with his truck which helped so much! I was so grateful not to have to spend tons of money on a Uhaul. I am living in the 2nd story of a house in East Nashville. I share the 2 bedroom loft apt. with my friend Lauren and there are 3 guys that live in the bottom floor below us. They are all in a hardcore band which I find kind of amusing. They are super sweet guys though and I think we will spend a lot of time this summer with them whether it's going out for sushi or sipping a beer on the front porch. I am glad to have neighbors that don't seem really sketch (which could very easily be the case in East Nashville)! Our house is less than 10 minutes from downtown which is super fun! I can not wait to check out some of the treasures downtown including the library (http://www.library.nashville.org/) and Gigi's Cupcakes (http://www.gigiscupcakesusa.com/).

Last Wednesday I drove to Cleveland and met up with my cousin Katie (who lives in Knoxville). We drove down to Atlanta with my friend Kristin M. to see The National at The Tabernacle. It was a super fun show and I actually got to meet the band (which I don't think I've done since high school). They were super nice guys and we had a really good time. Seeing them live was something I've wanted to do for the past 2 years so it was nice to have a little dream come true. :-)

On Thursday I drove back to Nashville and spent my 2nd night in the new place...Lauren and I hung out on the porch with our housemates for a couple of hours which was nice. Lyle, Brandon and J.P. are really funny and down to earth guys. It is nice to hang out with people who are not super pretentious...

Friday morning Lauren drove me to the airport (which is 15 minutes from our house) and I caught my 4 hour and 10 minute flight to Ontario, California. I had a non-stop flight which was super nice! My friend Jeannie picked me up at the airport and we drove straight to In-N-Out which was AMAZING. I hadn't been there in almost 2 years so my burger, fries and vanilla shake tasted better than ever. I actually have been there twice already even though I have only been out here for 4 days. Oh well...I can watch calories when I get home! ;-)

There is a lot more that I have been up to in the last few days but that is all I am going to share for now...Stay tuned for more trip details.

-amanda diane

Nashville

After a long hiatus from the blogging life I am BACK! I finally can make an exciting announcement about my plans for life after Cleveland because things are officially nailed down. :-) I am moving to Nashville in a little over a week with my fabulous friend Lauren. We have signed the lease on a cute duplex loft apt. that is actually the 2nd story of a house. It has 2 bedrooms, a large living room, kitchen, laundry room (washer and dryer included), fridge and a nook (I think I just like saying that word)! It is in East Nashville but in a less sketch area for anyone who knows Nashville...It is close to downtown, my new Starbucks (in Madison) and not too far from the Paul Mitchell school in Antioch that I will be starting at in October (if all goes as planned). I am so excited! Come visit me? :-)

Also, I am heading to the west coast May 29th-June 9th to be in my friend Jeannie's wedding (June 6th). I am looking forward to some beach, in-n-out, sushi, mexican food, family seeing, and of course hanging out with one of my bestest friends! I have not been to California in going on 2 years and I am super pumped!

I will be back in Nashville on the 9th and starting work at my new store shortly after that...I am going to be working on some writing samples as well. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I can find some freelance work in my new city...

Change is coming and I am so ready!

Being an adult is so much fun ;-)

The last week has been a little bit rough to say the least. On Thursday evening my cute little altima broke down on I-75 South near Ooltewah. I was crusing along as normal when suddenly all of my lights came on (engine, oil, brake), my steering started locking up, I couldn't accelerate and my engine started making a terrible noise! I had to get it towed back to Cleveland and the mechanic thinks it needs a new engine. Let me just cough up that couple extra thousand dollars I have underneath my bed. ;-) It may end up being a better idea to just buy another car and sell my car for the parts. It is eleven years old and I have already put a lot of repair work into it...I may end up buying Aubrey's car in a couple months, but until that day it looks like life is going to involve me sharing a car with my two brothers.

This all may sound like a lot of whining and complaining but I am honestly quite grateful. I am thankful that I now work in Cleveland and could walk to work if I have to (this would have been a terrible thing to have happen if I was still driving to Chattanooga). I am also blessed to have access to another car sometimes. I guess it's just frustrating that this happened a few months before I am planning to move somewhere else where I definitely will need a car. I have some money saved but I was hoping to use that towards the move and not a car payment. Anyways, hopefully things will work out and I will stop stressing! I miss my little coche!

Can I have this dance with you for the rest of my life?

Currently I am sitting alone in my cozy little apartment on this snowy (gasp!) January afternoon pondering life, love and other mysteries. Erick Baker and Phillip LaRue are on the playlist and I am trying to get some thoughts out on this "page" that have been running around in my brain the last couple days.

I am thinking about the concept of dancing and what it involves. According to the definition of the word dancing can be many different things or ideas; it can be a series of motions and steps, involve leaping or skipping about excitedly and it also can bring an individual to a particular state or condition. Thinking about the latter component of the idea what state is brought about when one dances? Well when I dance at least usually joy, happiness, freedom and a carefree state of mind are brought about. It doesn't matter if I'm engaged in some sweet and mushy slow dance with a current boyfriend or engaged in a joyous dance circle with a group of girlfriends...Okay actually there is a difference. Both experiences bring about complete abandonment and lack of concern about the fears, hurts and bitterness that this world and many of the people in it can provide. There is a crucial difference however; dancing with a lover is quite different than dancing with friends for a variety of reasons...First of all there is that feeling of utter closeness with another person that rarely comes across in other experiences.

In a slow couple dance there is mostly tender appreciation for the other person involved. It really is not a selfish act. It is simply holding someone closely, gazing into their eyes and feeling every beat of their heart. You don't exactly get that in a girl dance party (not that I don't utterly enjoy such experiences, don't get me wrong)! Listening to the lyrics to an Eric Baker song today "Can I have this dance with you for the rest of my life?" I started thinking about how I want the rest of my life to be a dance. I want my relationship with my God to be joyous, without fear and completely like dancing with someone that I am utterly and completely in love with. I want to get so swept up and abanoned in this dance that I am quick to forgive, eager to abandon the hurts I've endured and ready to love and be open to new and exciting happenings in my life without fear. I want to know that I am not alone. Oh Lord, can I have this dance with you for the rest of my life?

*This post was written to the sounds of Erick Baker and Phillip LaRue...for more check out
www.myspace.com/philliplarue
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=182328459